Blooma: An Interview

This was originally published as an interview in 2015 with Blooma, a yoga studio for Mothers in Minneapolis MN

Motherhood is a balancing act.  

Yes, it is the balancing of meals, schedules, employment and family time. 

Motherhood is also the balancing act of Self; the art of recognizing our own existence with the importance we deserve while raising the family we love. 

It’s lovely to know it is possible to achieve this internal balance while experiencing the love, struggle, nurture, crying, exhaustion and joy of raising our loved ones.  Balance does not need to become a ‘Me-Centered’ practice.  Rather, it is the availability of experiencing joy in yourself and joy in your family.  

As a mother of young twins and a business owner I have experienced love, guilt, joy, isolation, and the downward spiral of postpartum depression early on in my children's lives.  I knew I loved myself as an Individual, a Mother and a Woman.  I simply had no idea how to recognize myself as a whole person and feel she could exist with any regularity.  

A turning point for me came one day as my children were napping peacefully.  I sat on the kitchen floor and began to cry.  I missed myself, I missed how I used to define ‘freedom’ in my life, I missed the ability to make decisions for just me.  As I sat crying on the floor that day I had an awakening. No one was standing above me dictating my schedule in the moment (kids were asleep) and as I looked around, with tears streaming down my face, alone in my kitchen, I choose to stand instead of remain on the floor.  The act of standing may seem small, but for that moment I actively choose myself; no guilt, no fear, no internal backlash of selfishness.  I simply stood because I choose too.  That single moment led to the next moment where I walked to the sink and washed my face, and the next moment when I decided to sit down again and breathe for a few moments, and then keep moving.  

I share this experience now, because in the single moment of freedom, standing, I allowed myself to consciously acknowledge I was making a decision for me (no matter the size of the decision). In that moment, I opened a door which lead to balance and available choices in life.  A continuous stream of moments where I could identify myself in the choices.  It is true, some of my previously defined freedoms have changed with Motherhood, yes adjustment is necessary, and still it is possible to recognize myself with love while loving my family.

In the next months, I created tools and techniques to continue supporting my individuality and create a new balance where I could actively be present in the areas I value; Mother, Woman, Individual.  Balance is important to me, because I love each aspect of my life, I value who I am in my moments, and I know it is possible to experience them with joy.

Some fantastic questions by Blooma readers were sent my way for this post here are a few:   

Blooma Mom: Is there a magic age where my needs become a priority, and where is balance possible with work, illness, and exhaustion overwhelming my existence?

Emily:  I hear you.  Life is challenging when managing exhaustion, illness, employment and more.. 

Let me ask you this question: How old are You?  That’s the perfect age for your needs to become a priority!

There is not a magic number in our children’s existence where balance is able to shift for us as individuals… because balance is internal.  If we find ourself waiting for someone else’s time clock to shift it becomes challenging to find our own.  There is truth, that as our children age, their dependence on us shifts, allowing the time we are able allocate for various activities, self or family, to increase with the independence our children experience as they grow.  This increased independence can assist to lighten some loads of motherhood.  

Also, I find important to recognize is, Time is secondary to Balance.  What this means is, as we begin to acknowledge the importance of our individuality in everyday moments, time becomes less the determining factor of happiness. What emerges is creativity, and fun of expressing our unique selves. 

Small example; washing the family dishes (mother), choose to listen to favorite music and have mini dance at the sink (individual) or driving home from daycare (mother) tell your kids a story you love about yourself (individual). My children love to hear details about my life and it’s good for me to say them out loud.  

Open the door of You, with choice, in the small seemingly unimportant moments of the day (there are many).  Recognize yourself in daily activities.  This practice does not eliminate the challenges of illness, exhaustion and schedules, rather it offers the opportunity shift awareness in the moment to recognize, we love our children, families, friends and we love ourselves.

I would gently invite you to know any age is perfect for you to remember your needs. Perhaps shift the question to; How, in this moment can I add a little balance and recognize myself.  See yourself in the small details of your day and allow those moments to build into a regular practice of Self and Mother.  Know balance as a mother and more is possible even in the moments it feels the farthest away.

Blooma Mom:  As a Mother, Wife and Individual how does one find time for their needs without guilt?

Emily:  Wonderful truth, without guilt… The answer is; you start small.  

As moms of young children, and perhaps working as well, it can be challenging to find a significant amount of time to ourself and release from the guilt of not being with our children or household chores.  Give yourself permission that a small amount of time still counts as time!  

Personally, this began as five short minutes on the deck when my children were napping.  Five minutes to be guilt free; sit and stare at the trees, check the phone, enjoy coffee.  Five minutes was possible before the list in my head, or guilt started up again.  Eventually these minutes increased daily, and also turned into a one hour walk alone every Saturday morning. But I had to start, and five minutes was the starting place. 

The beauty of starting small is, it feels realistic.

You don’t have to complete any form of epic me time (too exhausted to complete anything epic), it helps gain confidence that choosing me is worthwhile, and allows the time to be just for you.  

Guilt comes from feeling we are stealing our time from someone else, (ie. our children). So instead of feeling like you have to ‘steal’ minutes to yourself each day, create minutes each day, and give yourself permission to start small. 

Blooma Mom:  Are there any useful tools to assist with balance that honor a short time frame? And will it matter what kind of energy we have to start, or can a technique help to shift positively no matter the starting baseline?

Emily:  These are great questions. The short answer is yes.  There are tools and techniques available and yes they will work regardless of your baseline energy.  

I’d like to share the thought that the starting place with any tool is always Awareness.  Why am I using this tool?  This is true whether the tool is a hammer or a meditation practice.  In order for any tool to be effective in its use we must be aware of our intention for using.  Awareness allows us to pick the correct tool for the moment.  This is especially true in our busy lives as mothers.  For example, attempting a silent meditation when you have two year olds running around can be challenging and may only serve to frustrate.  This does not mean the practice or tool lacks importance, it simply wasn’t correct for the moment.  

Another beauty of the second question above is regarding a positive shift no matter the starting baseline, once we are aware we would like to shift, positivity becomes available.  Often when we catch ourself losing our temper (awareness) we stop, or breathe, and try a new avenue.  Give yourself credit for that awareness, even pausing for two breaths or simply turning around and facing the other direction to gather your calm are tools.  A tool is useful to carry the positive shift forward into further moments and more experiences, but it always starts with awareness.  I am guessing you have techniques you use regularly, without realizing they are your personal tools.       

In my workshop we learn three routes (tools) to use regularly in life as a mother, and individual to recognize motivations, and actions.  All three are simple in action, and  important to recognize two primary goals. 

First, a short time frame 5 mins or less - running errands, a two minute shower, the single moment before losing a temper, a rare car drive solo, or actual alone time and the desire to use it.

Second, to acknowledge and grow in a positive evolution of Self.  To spend time allowing dreams, aspirations, goals and individuality find importance in life, while having room to grow with a solid foundation.  

Both of these goals honor wanting to enjoy the present moment, as well as create room for personal desires in life to become attainable. 

Blooma: Do you have any general advice you would like to share with Blooma parents or parents-to-be?

There is a multitude of avenues to access helpful, intelligent advice out there…blogs, books, friends, family.  Gather all the information you want, and once you have completed gathering and reading sit back, sigh, and ask yourself; How do You mean to go on.

Gently remind yourself that this is your journey. Parent from the place of love within You. Release the guilt, of ‘I have to do it like…(insert book title, friend or family name)’.  Ask, what is important to me as a parent, and what traits do I love about myself that I would like my children to absorb and appreciate while living in this world. Love yourself thru the process of parenting. Your babes will benefit from the peace and joy you feel when you are stepping back into You and finding excitement and strength in the individual you are, because by loving ourselves, even in pregnancy, we are teaching our children to love themselves.  

Thank you again for these questions.  It can be challenging in a couple of paragraphs to spell out specific avenues to assist change, but know they are available.  If it suits, I invite you to try the workshop and learn specific practices which go beyond the moment to help access grounding and balance as a mother and more.  And if not, I encourage you to be gentle with yourself.  Take time to find your personal awareness and see where it can take you.

And ~ 

As you move on your journey of balance as a mother, remember  you are uniquely you. The support and encouragement you require in life is also uniquely yours.  I have shared some of my journey and personal tools.  I encourage you to listen to your body and Self on this journey and if you need support reach out.  For some moments in life support may be our partners, family, friends, workshops, books and sometimes the stronger support of a professional.  Listen to your needs and love her, reach out for help and support as needed because we are all here for a reason and we are allowed to give love and receive love. ~ Emily.